I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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