There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
