beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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