i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
