I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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