Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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