My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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