You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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