I think I am morally bankrupt
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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