M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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