Please, let me fuck your mom
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
