If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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