when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
