"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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