Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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