just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
