This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
