She is in my trunk
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
