Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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