my being single is dangerous.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
