I wish I could teleport
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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