Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
