You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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