Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
