Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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