i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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