he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Is it because I queefed?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
