I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
