Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
