Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
