In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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