Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
