I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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