i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
