the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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