How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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