just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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