I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
