why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
