I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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