Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
