The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
