by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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