Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
