Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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