btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
