if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
