he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
