I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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