I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
