Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
