Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
