Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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